Tomorrow marks the 17th anniversary of my brother, Joshua's death. Some years it hasn't bothered me much and some years it has. This year is on the line. I think the reason is not so much that I miss the little brother that I had, but I miss the brother that never got to grow up - that never got to be Little One's uncle - that never got to get married and have babies of his own so that I could be the best aunt ever. It's the now that I miss him in the most. I don't hurt over the loss of the 11 - and just days shy of 12 - year-old-boy. I miss the man that he would have been. I hate that Mr. Favorite never got to know him. I'm certain they would have enjoyed being friends.
Josh was SO good at being friends with everyone. I remember hearing that one of the boys that Josh had befriended in the last couple years of his life once said that Josh was his best friend. And years later when that (by that time) young man was asked if he was Josh's best friend, he said no - that Josh had other best friends, but to that little boy, Josh was his best friend.
Josh was a good little brother and I was too cool to be nice to him (I was 15 when he died.), but God gave me a gift just a week or two before he died. We were at church and I passed him in the hallway (there by the nursery for those of you who know my church) and he was, as always, his happy little self. I remember just stopping and telling him that I loved him. He looked at me, smiled, and said I love you, too. If I had not had that moment, I'm sure I would have been overcome with feelings of guilt about the ornery things sisters do and say. So, thank you, Lord, for that moment in the hallway where you gave me the chance to say what I needed to say before he was gone.
It's been a long time since I've cried about Josh... but just as I write, I'm feeling the awareness of loss again - throat swelling, tears burning my cheeks - and am grateful for a life full of feeling - that I'm not numb to the great gifts I've lived to experience.
Now, Josh wasn't a perfect kid... but seventeen years later I can't remember why.
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7 comments:
Kelly..so sweet-----> with tears in my eyes.
I would have loved to have known your brother.
Love you...Cindy
Well, that made me cry. I know what you mean because I think Jessica and I feel the same about Jeana. She and I think our lives would have been different if she were still here. But God knows best and I am surprised that they haven't sent her back as I am sure she them all lined out up there!
Josh was a happy person and he always had a kind word and a smile for all. And he sure loved football!
That was a beautiful tribute to your brother. He is sitting in heaven smiling at you and Little One.
Wow... I cannot believe it has been that long. When you first had Jackson and posted some pictures, I remember just staring and thinking he reminded me of a lot of Josh, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you that then because I didn't want to hit a nerve... so I'm glad you posted this and opened that door for me to tell you.
I have to agree about Josh being sooo nice. He was always nice to my brother when they were younger, and lets face it, my brother didn't make it easy for ANYONE to be nice to him. I loved his smile and his heart. I'm glad that you got your moment that day in the hall with him.
Now I'm off to find some kleenex.
Man, and I had just thank the Lord that this was the first year I hadn't cried over Josh on March 1st. Okay, so I bawled today reading this. Sweet tears though. Good memories. The part I hate the most is that it's just not fair. I mean, why do I get to be here and Josh doesn't. It reminds me to be more thankful for my life, no matter what is thrown my way.
17 years. Isn't it amazing that so many years later, Josh's life is still touching so many people? As I read the comments from others regarding your post, I realized that I'm not the only one who still thinks about Josh on March 1st. every year. 17 years later. and I still cry. every year. 17 years later. And I relive all the bittersweet, precious days that followed his death, with all the love and support of so many. And, of course, the daily cherry limeade slushes I brought to your house, weeks after, once I finally went home. ;)
And, you're right, for the life of me, I can't remember any imperfections.
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