because patience is a virtue

So, here I go, deciding I'm going to write here regularly and what happens? My graphics card on my computer goes out. I take it to be repaired only to find that my 6 year old computer (which is like 90 in computer years) won't even have the courtesy to boot up when I get there. The power supply went out somewhere between my desk and the customer service center. I get both the power supply and graphics card replaced. I bring it home and now my wifi won't connect.  My business relies on my ability to connect to the internet. This is no bueno (oh... Taco Bueno sounds good). After hours and hours on the phone with tech support and internet provider customer service, it is determined that my issue was caused by the service technician who worked on it the night before. He had snagged a wire and pulled it just so that it was not quite connected.

All of that fascinating story to get to this point...

I thought I was doing better.

I thought I was winning the battle of patience under pressure.

I thought wrong.

I wanted to physically throw something. I am AWESOME at hiding it and stuffing it and letting everyone believe that I'm totally rocking the moment, but the truth was, I was frustrated. I hate when something easy becomes something else, which leads to something else, which leads to additional runs to another city just so I can use the tool that was working fine just days ago.

Anyway, one thing I am realizing is that in all of it, any time I have a "flare up", I can stop and examine what the real issue is. Because "the issue is never the issue". I found that what I was really feeling in all of it wasn't a lack of patience at all, but a feeling of helplessness and being at the mercy of others. Ew. My heart can be so ugly. But, what I love is that Papa sees me in it and wants to heal that part of my heart that still acts like an orphan.

Because I know that Papa God is always willing to meet me in any emotion I feel, I can be real with him and let him have one more layer.

It's a beautiful life.

growth vs. protection

I recently learned something fascinating about cells. Every cell in a person's body is in one of two states. It is either in a state of growth or protection. Emotions can trigger chemical responses which connect to receptors on the cell wall to tell that cell which state is appropriate. When a cell is in a state of protection, it shuts down growth, thereby stunting its own health.

Now translate all that into relationships...

For me, growth is awesome. I love it. I love forward motion. I love learning. But I have noticed that when I am stuck in protection mode in relationships, my growth is stunted. I've heard it said, "What gets your focus gets you" and it is true. If I focus on what is wrong in the relationship or the situation, I am overcome... So I am making a choice, even right this minute, to look for what is honorable and to drag that to the surface. That is what I want to settle my focus on.

And, because I love reading and sharing what I've learned... If you're interested in living in relationships that are based on honoring one another, check out Danny & Sheri Silk's website Loving On Purpose. What I have learned from them has changed my life and made me a better momma to my boys.

Manifesto

2013 is hott. Just like that. The amount of growth and beauty and joy and laughter I have experienced in the first 27 days of this year has been balm to my weary soul. It wasn't that I was dreading 2013, but I didn't have a sense of what was on God's heart for me in this year until it actually happened. It is like for the last few years I have been fighting the tide to keep my heart centered on Love, but 2013 hit and it is like I am so immersed in it that I don't have to fight for footing anymore.

I am lit up from the inside out.

So, instead of just being happy that life is sweet and joy rests on me, I want to put words and framework to what I'm feeling and how I want it to affect every person I meet, especially those that live with me and in direct relationships.

I want to write out a manifesto.

I want a declaration of my intent.

I don't have it all thought out, but it starts with this:

L O V E

I want to be so saturated (dripping) with the Love of the Father that any person who comes into contact with me, even from a distance, will be met with a deeper revelation of the Father's generous, passionate, furious love (and if the word "furious" throws you a bit, check out Brennan Manning's The Furious Longing of God).

So, that's where I am. I feel so stinkin' rich right now. I am grateful.

Grandma Dot

Tonight I am celebrating my sweet Grandma Dorothy. After many years of fighting all that comes with an Alzheimer's diagnosis, she finally is free.

I love that my sweet little Baptist grandma was met with Love face to face... No more pain, neither physical nor emotional. No more worry. No more of anything less than complete peace and joy.

I said goodbye to my grandma several years ago when she no longer knew me. I was just a sweet girl to her. I have a mental picture in my head of the last time I saw her. I'm so glad it is of her standing on the porch waving goodbye all dressed up with her hair fixed just right. She looks so healthy in my memory.

Melodic Physics

The very, very little I understand about particles and physics fascinates me... I'm not going to embarrass myself by trying to communicate what I've read because it is so far beyond the way my brain thinks, but THIS I get -

A particle has a signature and this specific particle has been the long-searched-for key to so much that physicists have been trying to unlock... and the signature has a sound - a delightful sound... It sounds like joy.

Go have a little listen:
http://soundcloud.com/theatlantictech/higgs-boson-atlas

a clever title about free ebooks

See, I am growing... It wasn't long ago that I would have not posted a blog because I'd get stuck wishing for a clever title for this post. I've grown past that now and know that content today is more important than the title.

Here is the beautiful thing I want to share with you: Amazon lists ebooks for free for a short period of time every day. There are sites that track which books are free so you don't even have to search! Since I'm a new-ish owner of a Kindle Fire and consume books like I drink Dr. Pepper (except I don't keep it in my house anymore), I've come to really appreciate this service since my budget simply cannot keep up with my reading habit.

I think these are all related somehow, but they have different books listed each day (some even morning, afternoon, and evening!).

Pixel of Ink - All kinds of books 

Pixel of Ink - Young Edition - This has been great for books for the boys. The books are categorized for age appropriateness.

Power Reads - This is a resource for non-fiction. I've enjoyed it very much!

Inspired Reads - This one lists Christian ebooks, both fiction and non-fiction.

There's also one for cookbooks - if I can find the link again, I'll update here.
EDITED TO ADD: I found it! - Dining Downloads

ENJOY! Reading is a gift!

Big is 4!

Tomorrow marks Big's 4th birthday. I'm feeling very undone over just how sweet he has made my world. I watch him observe and pick up the nuances in things going on around him. I'm still amazed that he's obedient like he is, that he responds so well, and that he loves to learn - and watches for the correct way. I remember being pregnant with him and talking to my swollen belly, telling him I didn't know how to be a mom, but he didn't know how to be a son either and that we would learn together. My heart breaks knowing I've made wrong choices, responded sharply, been impatient, fallen short, but I've also already repented to him and shown how to make things right. I've drawn him to me and told him how much I love being his momma, that he is kind and beautiful, and that I'm so proud of him. That he is my son, in whom my heart delights, marked by my love, and in him I am well pleased.

if i'm going to do it...

The thing that makes blogs fun to read is when they're regularly updated. My blog = unfun. That's a word.

This has been a sweet, sweet day. I had lunch with a woman who is so transparent and beautiful and generous and merciful all at once. Her story is one of the purest accounts of how Papa God really does love us and draws us to him.

And in talking to her I felt my heart being known. I've craved that so much - the true connection of friend to friend with no judgment, in the realness of life.

I'm committed to the journey of the destiny set before me. I am getting small glimpses of the big picture and I want to be my authentic self.

That may be all I have today, but it is more than I wrote 2 days ago.

it's her fault.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I learned a long time ago that one cannot be manipulated unless one chooses to be manipulated. So, let's be clear... this interruption to my almost year-long hiatus in blogging is not because she manipulated me with an award - thankyouverymuch - but because I love her. Who knows why... 

You can go see just how fun she is right here at her blog (she's got the second most beautiful couple of boys - mine being numero uno). Apparently she thinks I'm fabulous and wants to know more about me.

The "Rules":

1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Name five of your most fabulous moments, either in real life or in the blogosphere.
3. Name five things you love.
4. Name five things you hate.
5. Pass the Ribbon on to five other bloggers.  (Leave them a comment to notify them of this.)

1. Done. There are the rules. See. Right there. Just above this part. 

2. My five most fabulous moments:

1. The first that comes to mind is the first time I realized that my love and what I felt toward my newborn baby transcended anything else and that I felt it physically in my chest. It felt like pain and warmth together and in that moment I knew I would forever be ruined.

2. Second only because it was my next thought - When I realized Mr. Favorite was committed to me beyond what I deserved and in spite of what I had done to "test" him.

3. When I found grace... not the version that comes with high judgment (that's not really grace anyway), but the kind that I'm learning even now - the kind that covers all... the kind that says even in my worst version of myself, that nothing can separate me from the Love of my Father God. 

• Romans 8:38-39 New International Version (NIV)  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,  neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

4.  The next fabulous moment that comes to mind is the day I woke up to a yard full of cellophane-wrapped diapers and wipes. It was the best baby shower EVER! My baby was almost 8 months old before I had to buy a single diaper for him. The fabulous part wasn't so much the diapers (except that it was fabulous), it was the time/effort/energy I knew had to go into making that moment happen for me. 

5.  I'm stuck. I can think of lots of moments, but they seem to all fit under one of the first four. If I can think of something else, I will come back.

3. Five things I love:

1. genuine friendship with God.

2. seeing people go from hurting and wounded to the true adventure and destiny for which they were designed

3. speaking light and life into situations & changing the atmosphere just by being my authentic self

4. wisdom

5. the gifts in my life (Mr. Favorite, all 3 babies, my family, my family that didn't come by blood, and the friends I've yet to meet).

4. Five things I hate:

1. I hate when people are mean or cruel to children. I get physically ill... I can no longer watch or read local news because of the onslaught of awful, awful things reported DAILY in our area that are being done to babies. 

2. I hate what judgment does to a person. 

3. I hate when people misrepresent me.

4. I hate when I miss opportunities.

5. I hate olives.

5. Pass the ribbon on... 

Here's the truth - I don't know many of the bloggers I follow, so I'm not sending them an award. I will, however, tell you which ones I think are worth a little look-see:

1. Mel - 'cause she's funny, honest, and because her babies are beautiful.

2. Kierste - 'cause she's got beautiful photographs of stuff she does - simple and lovely all at once.

3. Joye - 'cause she's a lover of Jesus, too... and she's about to have another baby girl, so there's going to be baby pics soon.

4. Amanda - 'cause I know her and her photography is amazing (featured in national magazines kind of fabulous)

5. Rebecca - 'cause she lives with her husband and 3 kids in a nation near the Mediterranean Sea and is practicing being content.

Thunder Dog - A book review

Thunder Dog, The True Story of A Blind Man, His Guide Dog & The Triumph of Trust at Ground Zero, by Michael Hingson with Susy Flory, is a great, easy to read narrative of a beautiful testimony of God preparing a man - and in this case - his dog, for a moment in time. Michael was born blind to parents who, against the common thought at that time and advice from contemporary physicians, chose to help Michael learn to live in the world rather than escape it. Michael tells the story of how he and his guide dog made it out of his office on the 78^th floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001 while interweaving the day’s events with the moments throughout his life that gave him the skills and chutzpah to walk away from tragedy just moments before the towers collapsed.

Ten years later, I am still fascinated by people’s stories who were touched directly by the events of September 11^th. I read the book and enjoyed the portions about that particular day very much; however, the portions of the book that were about Michael’s life leading up to that day were sometimes laborious. I can certainly see their importance, but I simply grew uninterested after a while.

I received this book free of charge in exchange for an honest review.

Young Once.

Something is on my mind and I thought it might be worth hashing it out here.

Of my grandparents, I have only my grandmothers remaining alive. One is being cared for in a nursing home as she is living with advanced Alzheimer's disease. As sad as it is, my heart doesn't hurt over her because she is as happy as can be. She doesn't realize what's going on around her and just seems so pleased with everything. She's become sweeter and sweeter with the progression of her disease. I just don't worry about her. I said goodbye to her long ago when she still knew who I was.

The other grandmother is sharp as a tack mentally, but has been living in her own home with a Parkinson's diagnosis for 16 years. People with that diagnosis do well to live 11 years with it. She's done well... and now she's not doing well at all. I think what is so unsettling to me is that I know with all her will she wants to be independent, but that is not her story right now. She casually mentioned in a recent phone conversation that she had driven over to my aunt's and found that she was not able to command her legs to move anymore. This happens often, but she's never let it be known that it happens while she is driving. I had honestly not ever thought about it... like the issues she had were magically cured being behind the wheel... This is not good. I immediately realized that she could be driving along and need to brake, but her legs not obey her mental commands. I'm scared. I didn't realize that the friend she had who was supposed to be checking on her had now just gone ahead and moved in because she cannot be alone, but even that is not enough now. It breaks my heart because mentally, she is so sharp. She has always been a strong woman (read: strong-willed woman), but it has become a matter of safety to herself and others that she have additional levels of care.

As I followed rabbit trails through the internet trying to research options for my grandma, I kept seeing pitiful pictures of elderly people. One in particular caught my attention and as I stared at her image, as I looked at her clear, blue eyes, I couldn't help feeling like I was hearing the younger version of her telling me, "I was young once".

Book Review: A Place Called Blessing by John Trent, PhD and Annette Smith

Here is another review for a book I've enjoyed from www.booksneeze.com.

A Place Called Blessing by John Trent, PhD with Annette Smith is a simple, yet powerful narrative of a young man’s journey from hurt and abandonment through love to healing. Through tragedy that was not his fault, the boy took on guilt and shame that plagued him throughout his teen years and threatened to blacken the rest of his life. Circumstances led him as a young adult into a friendship with a woman and her son who showed him what genuine kindness, trust, and love can be like. The story even has a bit of a twist that adds to the depth of the characters.

I liked the book very much. I had it finished in a little over a day as it is an enjoyable and easy read even though the underlying message is very compelling. I found myself wanting to know what would happen next and turning page after page. The author does a great job weaving the characters’ lives together in a believable manner as well as maintaining the integrity of the story line. I would absolutely recommend this sweet little novel to friends who enjoy reading fiction - especially fiction with a moral to the story.

The Penny Story

I remembered this the other day and thought it worthy of sharing...

Several years ago, I had taken a nap (completely irrelevant, but I'm not sure how else to start this story). As I got out of bed, I saw a penny on the bedside table that was gross with gunk and even a little misshaped because it was dented. I was surprised just how yuck I thought it was, but the Lord immediately spoke something really cool to my heart. I heard two things about how God loves us. The first was that no matter how much gunk and gross stuff or even how dented and bruised we are, none of that changes 1. the value we hold or 2. the purpose for which we were created.

So if you're feeling less than perfect today...

If you're feeling unworthy today...

If you're hearing that you've got too much gunk...

If you're hearing that your dents and bruises are too damaging...

Hear what God says about you: Ephesians 2:10 says

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

No matter what you've been through - whether by your choice or someone else's - God says you're His masterpiece and He has provided a way through Christ Jesus for you to become new.

The value you hold and the purpose for which you were created has not changed.

Free Books

In June of 2010, I was challenged to read a book a week. Frankly, I didn’t think this was a possible goal, but since then I’ve seen that not only is it possible, it is one of my favorite things I do with my time. After finishing my master’s degree, I didn’t care if I ever read anything again, but since I now read only what I want to read, it is a lot more fun! One might think I’d read only “fluff” stuff, but I’ve found that I’m adding in more difficult pieces as I go. (I just recently finished a work by a Nobel Prize winning physicist that pretty much blew my mind… but I finished it!) As you can imagine, reading a book a week could be a very expensive hobby, but I’ve either borrowed or purchased books on Amazon.com with one exception… and really the reason for this post.

I received Living Life in the Zone A 40-Day Spiritual Gameplan for Men by Kyle Rote and Joe Pettigrew from a website resource (www.booksneeze.com). They send free books to bloggers with the agreement that the reader will review the book and post the review on their blog as well as sites that sell the book. I chose this book because my husband is the defensive coordinator for our Christian school’s football team. I thought he might also enjoy it as a resource for inspiration to our little team. So, this is it. This is my review:

Living Life in the Zone A 40-Day Spiritual Gameplan for Men by Kyle Rote and Joe Pettigrew is a great resource for guys who are interested in sports and want to develop the discipline of daily devotions. The book is set up in daily bits of wisdom. Each day contains sections named in keeping with the sports theme, such as “Coach’s Corner” and “Game Plan”. Coach’s Corner begins each day’s devotional lesson with insight and explanation, helping to define what the focus for the day is. Game Plan is next with selected scriptures to help bring clarity on God’s heart toward that subject. Playmakers follows. This became a favorite for me as each day the “Playmaker” was a sports celebrity and gave examples out of their own personal experience with the issue of the day. The day’s devotion begins to wrap up with the section titled, “Time Out” in which the authors listed a few questions to help lead the reader in application of the day’s lesson. And, lastly there is the Assignment in which the reader is given a tangible “to-do” item.

What I appreciated most about this book is that it takes something that men enjoy and uses that as a vehicle for truth. A man reading through this book is sure to grow, not just spiritually, but also in his relationships. The chapters on family and marriage were especially encouraging to me – that men would be reading and applying the truths presented. Overall, I would recommend the book.

a fresh start

I'm thinking again..........

I was introduced to someone recently and moments into our first conversation had all sorts of things to say. I'm so careful in all of my relationships and maybe too much so. I'm thinking of just taking this opportunity with this person I don't know, to be really honest from the get-go and tell her what I really think from the very beginning. She doesn't know that I usually walk on eggshells. I'm usually great about being honest about myself and transparent with whatever is going on with me, but I have become so bland lately. Wonder what it would be like to just say what I am thinking? Is it cruel to go into a new friendship as an experiment?

When A Prodigal Returns.

I've got something swimming around in my head lately and I'm not sure what I think. I've been thinking what our response is to be when a prodigal son (or daughter) returns home. I think about the parable and the response of the father, that even through the son's protesting, the father calls for the robe and ring. The father completely accepts the prodigal. Truth is, I struggle with this... I don't know how to receive a person who has run away to do their own thing, who now wants to return. My tendency is to want them to "pay" in some way - or at minimum, they wouldn't be invited to the front of the line... Anyway, I know that we're to forgive as many times as we're asked, too, but where do boundaries come in and how do we guard against abuse?

Your thoughts?

Now Hiring.

Author's Note: Just to be clear, this really isn't the desperate plea that I'm afraid it is going to sound like... And, I'm not looking to be set up, so don't.

I want a friend.

I know that Mr. Favorite is my closest and best friend, but I really would like to have a friend who is a girl. There are some things that I want to talk about that I know would be great fun to really hash out with another woman. I've found that I don't want just any friend, either. I think people would look at me and think I have lots of friends, and I do, but the relationship goes only so deep or they're really tied up and busy with lots of other stuff. I don't want to feel like I'm a burden or inconvenience. I think I'm also weary from overestimating my friendships.... Here's the truth: Seven years ago, I really wasn't worthy of being a friend. I was super self-absorbed and very selfish. I didn't know I wasn't friend-worthy until I was left out of a birthday party at which all of the girls I considered friends were in attendance. I was 26 or 27 years old and my feelings were hurt like I was in grade school. I sat at my desk and cried. I asked the Lord why I didn't have any friends and he showed me immediately that I had not acted like a friend. So for the last 7 years I have been working and working at being a better friend and a better person all around. I know that I'm a good friend now. I am kind and considerate and I care very deeply... It just seems that there is no friend for me.

Anyway, I read on someone's facebook wall-to-wall message that she had been talking to her mom and said, "I wish I had a friend like me" and I thought to myself that she said what I was thinking. I wish I had a friend like me.